American Solutions

I think I have some strategies that may be effective in solving some of America's biggest problems: the federal deficit, unemployment, illegal immigration and cheap energy. What's more, I think these notions, with one minor exception, are right in keeping with the ways in which America does business.

Reduce unemployment

1. Put more people in jail.

2. Go to war with more countries.

The first policy reduces the population eligible for employment while at the same time increasing employment in construction and corrections. Broadening and increasing mandatory sentencing is one means to this end, a happy prospect for most Americans, though the death penalty, unfortunately, is counter-productive.

The second finds alternative employment for young men and women while also reducing their numbers (I know, that last part is kinda harsh, but then I always have thought that war was sort of a dumb idea for most purposes).

Eliminate illegal immigration

We should simply annex Mexico into the United States. Some Mexicans may object to the idea, but that could be the basis for another war, hence more employment, as would be the wars with other countries who might object to our annexing Mexico. This increases defense contractor employment, too.

What's the point, after all, of being the only Superpower on the planet if we can't go after what we want, like Mexican oil and cheap labor. If other Central and South American countries represent a significant source of illegal immigration (or oil), annex them, too.

Reducing the federal deficit

1. Institute a national lottery.

2. Legalize and tax marijuana and sell it through government stores. Granted, this one will require some spin.

As many have pointed out, lotteries are a tax on those least able to afford it, which should be pleasing to the Republicans. At the same time, Democrats should favor the idea that a lottery gives even the poorest a chance at the American Dream, and probably not much more of a long shot than what they have now.

Legalizing marijuana would cut down the costs of the never-ending war on drugs and bring the profits, currently going into the coffers of foreign drug lords, into the U.S. Treasury, where we can use it for even more corporate welfare payouts.

To be really bold, however, and to wipe the deficit away even in the face of increased war spending, we should also legalize and tax LSD, psilosybin, extasy, meth, crack and cocaine as well as heroin. Instead of a war on drugs we could win wars with drugs-based taxes.

Improving foreign relations

With all the additional employment represented by the above strategies, we might be able to reduce unemployment in other countries by hiring foreign mercenaries for sort of an American Foreign Legion, thus improving our foreign relations (except maybe for those sympathetic to the Mexican resistance). While these forces should never be permitted on American soil (OK, maybe in U.S. territories and possesions, like Puerto Rico, Samoa and Canada), individuals could be granted U.S. citizenship after, say, 20 years in service.

Or am I watching too much YouTube?

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