Politics, the oldest profession and some old jokes

My two favorite "professional" jokes (you were warned they were oldies):


A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for a hundred bucks."

He puts his drink down and digs some bills from his pockets. He pulls two fives, a ten and four twenties from the crumbled wad and thrusts the cash into the woman's hand and says, "Here. Go paint my house."

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A famous man at a charity banquet asks the beautiful young woman next to him, “Assuming that you would likely give the money to charity, would you sleep with me for half a million dollars?”


After some thought she says, “Yes.”


“And would you for one hundred dollars?”


“Of course not! What sort of woman do you think I am?!”


“I think we've already determined that. Now we’re just haggling about price.

________

The American Dream

On a more serious note, until we can severely limit and rigidly control "donations" and other money exchanges in our elective political system, we will never have an actual democracy. I grant that the U.S. Constitution may allow the present abuses; that doesn't mean that it frames a pristine democratic process. Far, far from it. We delude ourselves in thinking otherwise.

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Infringed benefits

The Second Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America:

A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

It seems to me that, with all the citizens who keep and bear arms, we ought to be enjoying much more security under the protection of an exponentially enlarged and very well-regulated militia. For some reason, however, most of the radical right-to-keep-and-bear-arms Americans out there make me feel considerably less secure.
Go figure.

Maybe we all just need bigger guns!

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The Return of Manifest Destiny

There is a strong current running through the political swamps of our country that we Americans know what’s best for everybody on the planet.

We are now insisting, usually at dollar sign and decimal point, but often at smart bomb and gun point, that other countries do things our way. The way of Freedom.

That is, Freedom as we define it.

The Freedom to Incorporate. The Freedom to Codify and Legalize Bribery. The Freedom to Franchise. The Freedom to Merchandise. The Freedom to Advertise. The Freedom to Target Demographics. The Freedom to become consumers rather than citizens. After all, as we have been told so often that it begins to ring of truth: democracy spreads through commercial trading. Capitalism is the hallmark of a true Democracy.

No longer is American Democracy burdened with Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s quaint Four Freedoms (so popular during the naiveté of the first half of the 1940s):

The freedom of speech and expression

The freedom of worship

The freedom from want

The freedom from fear

These have all been reinterpreted as the “freedom to trade.”

To the world we proudly announce (at least to those few places where it’s not already true): America! Coming soon to a store near you!

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American Solutions

I think I have some strategies that may be effective in solving some of America's biggest problems: the federal deficit, unemployment, illegal immigration and cheap energy. What's more, I think these notions, with one minor exception, are right in keeping with the ways in which America does business.

Reduce unemployment

1. Put more people in jail.

2. Go to war with more countries.

The first policy reduces the population eligible for employment while at the same time increasing employment in construction and corrections. Broadening and increasing mandatory sentencing is one means to this end, a happy prospect for most Americans, though the death penalty, unfortunately, is counter-productive.

The second finds alternative employment for young men and women while also reducing their numbers (I know, that last part is kinda harsh, but then I always have thought that war was sort of a dumb idea for most purposes).

Eliminate illegal immigration

We should simply annex Mexico into the United States. Some Mexicans may object to the idea, but that could be the basis for another war, hence more employment, as would be the wars with other countries who might object to our annexing Mexico. This increases defense contractor employment, too.

What's the point, after all, of being the only Superpower on the planet if we can't go after what we want, like Mexican oil and cheap labor. If other Central and South American countries represent a significant source of illegal immigration (or oil), annex them, too.

Reducing the federal deficit

1. Institute a national lottery.

2. Legalize and tax marijuana and sell it through government stores. Granted, this one will require some spin.

As many have pointed out, lotteries are a tax on those least able to afford it, which should be pleasing to the Republicans. At the same time, Democrats should favor the idea that a lottery gives even the poorest a chance at the American Dream, and probably not much more of a long shot than what they have now.

Legalizing marijuana would cut down the costs of the never-ending war on drugs and bring the profits, currently going into the coffers of foreign drug lords, into the U.S. Treasury, where we can use it for even more corporate welfare payouts.

To be really bold, however, and to wipe the deficit away even in the face of increased war spending, we should also legalize and tax LSD, psilosybin, extasy, meth, crack and cocaine as well as heroin. Instead of a war on drugs we could win wars with drugs-based taxes.

Improving foreign relations

With all the additional employment represented by the above strategies, we might be able to reduce unemployment in other countries by hiring foreign mercenaries for sort of an American Foreign Legion, thus improving our foreign relations (except maybe for those sympathetic to the Mexican resistance). While these forces should never be permitted on American soil (OK, maybe in U.S. territories and possesions, like Puerto Rico, Samoa and Canada), individuals could be granted U.S. citizenship after, say, 20 years in service.

Or am I watching too much YouTube?

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In support of a graduated income tax

Reasons why we should have a graduated income tax, in which the wealthy are taxed at a progressively higher rate:

1. To cite what has become known as Sutton’s Law: Because that’s where the money is. (Named after prolific 20th Century American bank robber Willie Sutton, who purportedly gave that response to a reporter’s inquiry as to why he robbed banks). In folk terms, this is a practical expression of Occam’s razor, or the law of parsimony: don’t seek complex solutions when a simple one will serve.

2. It’s the Christian thing to do, helping wealthy Americans achieve that state of blessedness enjoyed by so many of their countrymen: poverty. 

3. It makes being poor seem, well, less taxing, thus reducing competition for wealth.

4. But, more seriously, the amassing of wealth consumes a greater proportion of our country’s assets. Thus, the wealthy are a greater burden upon our raw materials, infrastructure and human resources as well as contributing more to our negative trade balance, environmental pollution, unfavorable foreign relations and military adventurism. 

5. The very structure of laws and governance of the United States is an asset to the accumulation and management of wealth, which ought to be supported by those very taxes. 

6. Inversely, higher taxes have never proven to be a disincentive to the gathering of riches. While naively idealistic economic theories suggests otherwise, the sequestering of fortunes is more a function of personality traits such as fear, avarice and insecurity and less a result of sound financial planning, our current economic crisis being a case in point. 

7. Because the wealthy can more easily afford it, having, in effect, more disposable income. Duh!

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